Disastrous first dates/one night stands/romantic encounters.

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gavstar posted this 06 September 2017 - Last edited 06 September 2017

Inspired by the story on the BBC about the girl who had to throw her poo out of the window because it wouldn't flush, Bearsy's near fatal incident with some extra strength viagra (other potency pills are available) and numptyboi's tale of being deceived by his mate and and ending up trying to bed a biffer in a trash heap, I want to hear about Sotonians disastrous encounters with potential suitors, to reminisce on a time when we were free and single and playing the numbers, or recent events if you are still actively on the market.  We can dress this up as relationship advice if we want but I'd rather just read funny stories.  Names and locations can be changed to protect those who cannot refute said funny stories.

I will of course offer up a tale of my own...

A few years back I was on a stag weekend somewhere in the UK, we were dressed up as lifeguards, after copious pints and far too many jaegers, I find myself on the dancefloor of a club, sandwiched between two lovelies, I make my move on one of them and we are soon smooching, soon after that I am in a taxi on the way back to hers, I have not said farewell to my friends or informed them where I am being coerced to.

About 30mins later we are at the house of my potential conquest, by now I have realised my conquest is in her late forties (not a problem in itself) and we are not allowed upstairs in case we wake the kids.  I am not deterred.  We get comfortable on the sofa, I make the mistake of accepting a drink.  We are now in talk mode.  She is recently divorced.  She has not been with another man in over 20 years.  Her expectations are high.  

I manage to get the conversation into sexy mode again and we are back to smooching.  I am still very drunk.  My little friend is not waking up, she takes this personally.  She starts whisper/shouting at me and accusing me of not finding her attractive and demanding to know what is wrong with her.  I manage to calm her down and we are back in talk mode.  I have not made things better by talking.  We are now back to whisper/shouting mode.  This pattern continues over the next 30mins and I am now sober and inwardly panicking.  We mutually agree to cease and desist all further attempts at getting jiggy.  She flaunts away up the stairs and i get on the sofa.

I do not sleep.  The heating is not on (it is mid february and we are way oop north) and I daren't go upstairs.  My fancy dress consists of short-shorts, t-shirt and flip-flops.  In my state of fatigue and confusion I take off my t-shirt to use like a blanket.  I am no warmer.  I also realise I gave my phone to my friend as I had no pockets, no rescue is coming.

At around 7 she comes back downstairs and cuddles up to me.  I wonder if she has remembered the events of last night.  We start smooching (I now am wondering if I remember the events of last night), my little chap is more alert and I am still contemplating trying to seal this deal, alas she is about to get the kids up for breakfast and off to football.  She calls me a taxi.

Mr taxi man promptly arrives, my little friend is still quite alert and cannot be concealed, mr taxi man finds this funny.  On the journey back I cannot remember the name of the hotel, just that it is in the city centre.  We drive around the city centre for a bit, in which time I have regaled mr taxi man with the full story, it feels good to share my traumatic experience with a sympathetic ear.  After a short while I remember the name of the hotel, it is not far says mr taxi man.  With my cashcard tucked in my shorts, we find a cashpoint and I get mr taximan £40.  He drives off into the morning mist and I breathe a sigh of releif that I am safe.  On the drive back home I am made to tell my friends the story twice, and quizzed on the details for what seems like hours, but it's ok, because I am safe.

There is a lesson here somewhere.  Feel free to educate me.

 

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Intiniki posted this 06 September 2017

Just seen this

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-41173459

 

gavstar posted this 06 September 2017

Originally posted by Intiniki

Just seen this

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-41173459

 

 I laughed more than is necessary at the woman who fell down the hole lou_lol

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BTripz posted this 06 September 2017

Men share their most horrific sexual misadventures

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Barry Sanchez posted this 06 September 2017

I know of one where a blow job on the first date brought up the curry with too much gaggy...................................

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Barry Sanchez posted this 06 September 2017

Getting a cock twisted in a thong as well.

PhilippineSaint posted this 07 September 2017

The tart didnt swallow the other day and spat it all back on my chest lou_sad

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Dubai_Phil posted this 07 September 2017

Back when the divorce was nearly through I bumped into a lovely younger lass that used to go to our scuba diving club.

Shed always fancied my mate who was married with kids.

Anyway we chatted and planned to "go on a date" which for me was a big thing having been married for 26 years.

The date was the big horse race -Dubai World Cup. Ssort of Ladies day at Ascot without chavs.

She arrived to pick me up in a taxi about 13:00 looking stunning in a posh frock. We had a lunch table in the Moet lounge booked this was going to be a big day.

Arrived at the racecourse entrance. They had 15,000 spectators coming and decided to have ONE Airport style security scanner operating with 2 security guys 1 of whom kept stopping to have a smoke.

It was 34C the floor was sand. Girls were in heels. An elderly couple had flown from Australia just for the race. The wife collapsed with a heart attack.

Fights broke out. My dates dress was ripped by some fit from Essex trying to pull her out the way.

5 hours it took before we could get back into a taxi to get away. No refunds for the tickets no refunds for the brunch. She went home in tears got arrested for complaining on social media and cautioned and left town for good the same week.

Hi hum. She was a not only stunning but a bloody successful and wealthy and funny lass as well.

6 weeks after the event the authorities finally held an investigation. People were fired some that flew in got refunds and yes arrests were made. All a bit late really.

I went out 3 days later to drown my sorrows and bumped into  a lass I had known for a while but never "noticed" because I'd been married. And that's how I ended up married to Mrs D_P

ericofarabia posted this 07 September 2017

A story of two Phil's with some Fillys!!

Dubai Phil didn't get a Happy Ending ... but eventually did, where as Phil Saint did get a Happy Ending but then it went bad  cool

Bearsy posted this 07 September 2017

Originally posted by PhilippineSaint

The tart didnt swallow the other day and spat it all back on my chest lou_sad

Some girls are funny about that. I dated a girl who would only do the bj if I promised most faithfully not to cum in her mouth. "If you do, I'll spit in your face!". I kind of assumed she was joking rip lou_sadlou_angry 

KRG posted this 07 September 2017

Originally posted by Barry Sanchez

I know of one where a blow job on the first date brought up the curry with too much gaggy...................................

 Not quite mastered your deep throat technique, Baz?

lifeintheslowlane posted this 07 September 2017

Originally posted by KRG

Originally posted by Barry Sanchez

I know of one where a blow job on the first date brought up the curry with too much gaggy...................................

 Not quite mastered your deep throat technique, Baz?

 Nope the truth is it was a Tindaloo and he was using it as an excuse to get rid of it. You just can't handle the truth!

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Barry Sanchez posted this 07 September 2017

Originally posted by KRG

Originally posted by Barry Sanchez

I know of one where a blow job on the first date brought up the curry with too much gaggy...................................

 Not quite mastered your deep throat technique, Baz?

 This wasn't me, the funniest one I've heard of but this isn't a first date thing is when these two blokes and a girl decided to have some fun in the car, one bloke with the door open one side and one opposite and the girl in the passenger seat face facing one and arse the other, whilst getting fellatio the lad bends down and under the roof to feel the lady bits but inadvertently grabs the balls of the other bloke who instinctively yanks his head back only for it to smash into the roof which in turn leads to a night in the A&E of them sewing the cut in his head back together.

ericofarabia posted this 07 September 2017

Originally posted by Barry Sanchez

Originally posted by KRG

Originally posted by Barry Sanchez

I know of one where a blow job on the first date brought up the curry with too much gaggy...................................

 Not quite mastered your deep throat technique, Baz?

 This wasn't me, the funniest one I've heard of but this isn't a first date thing is when these two blokes and a girl decided to have some fun in the car, one bloke with the door open one side and one opposite and the girl in the passenger seat face facing one and arse the other, whilst getting fellatio the lad bends down and under the roof to feel the lady bits but inadvertently grabs the balls of the other bloke who instinctively yanks his head back only for it to smash into the roof which in turn leads to a night in the A&E of them sewing the cut in his head back together.

 A Tale of Two Gashes cool

gavstar posted this 07 September 2017

Very good Eric lou_lol

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Numptyboi posted this 07 September 2017

Many years ago there was a works party on a boat that left from Ocean Village. some of you may remember them, i think they were called a riverboat shuffle or something, anyway it involved a big group on a boat for the evening getting pissed. I went with some works collleagues and our partners. The booze flowed and there were some party games organised by the boat crew, one of which i was picked out for.

Four fellas (yours truly being one) were picked out and told to sit on seats. Four ladies were then selected and we were partnered up. The girls were told to take down our trousers, fit us with a nappy, sit on our laps and feed us a baby bottle of spirits. The first to finish the bottle, won. Proudly, i finished this task with ease in first place. Unfortunately, i thought i would celebrate and stood up with arms aloft, soaking up the applause, only for the nappy to fall down and the semi i'd got from a random honey squirming about on my lap to be winking through my boxer shorts at the assembled crowd. Oh, well, not to worry.

The real problem started after this bit of fun. More booze was sunk and the girl in my team was found and we were getting on well, much to the chagrin of my GF and her BF. About half an hour before we were due to dock, i was well pissed and went for a jimmy, only to be followed into the khazi by the girl who'd sat on my lap. she made it clear she was up for a bit if we could get rid of our respective partners. Good Idea, i said, although not really in any state to do much, i didn't need to do any furtive work with my GF as she was so pissed off with me she stormed off when we got back to Port.

What happened after was a bit hazy and i'm not quite sure how it happened, but in essence i tried to bang this girl up against a shop front of some kind down the bottom of town. But being so drunk, i was unable to muster anything like a decent boner (a bit like you gavstar) and tried to thumb in the semi i had, with not a great deal of success. Eventually i did manage to get something going, only to be rudely interupted by the BF shouting at us from a distance as we'd been rumbled. Oh fuck, i thought, time to scarper, but i forgot i had my strides halfway down my legs and tried to run, with the inevitable consequence of going a gutser on the pavement. Add to this a pretty decent kick in the midriff by the BF and there i was, pissed, wounded and semi naked. Not a good end to the evening.

pap posted this 07 September 2017

Took a girl out once.  I get the beers in.  When we finished them, I said "your round".

She looked at me as if I had two heads, and refused to get the beers in.  Didn't last long.  I walked out on the dare five minutes later.

Fatso posted this 07 September 2017

Originally posted by pap

Took a girl out once.  I get the beers in.  When we finished them, I said "your round".

She looked at me as if I had two heads, and refused to get the beers in.  Didn't last long.  I walked out on the dare five minutes later.

 She was there for a dare? 

saintbletch posted this 07 September 2017

Originally posted by pap

Took a girl out once.  I get the beers in.  When we finished them, I said "your round".

She looked at me as if I had two heads, and refused to get the beers in.  Didn't last long.  I walked out on the dare five minutes later.

Sounds like she was after one of those relationships that are only 50/50 equal. 

Fowllyd posted this 07 September 2017

Originally posted by Fatso

Originally posted by pap

Took a girl out once.  I get the beers in.  When we finished them, I said "your round".

She looked at me as if I had two heads, and refused to get the beers in.  Didn't last long.  I walked out on the dare five minutes later.

 She was there for a dare? 

Why else would she have been there?

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pap posted this 07 September 2017

Bah, obviously meant date.

We are mates now, but do not speak of "the incident".