Getting a cock twisted in a thong as well.
The tart didnt swallow the other day and spat it all back on my chest 
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Back when the divorce was nearly through I bumped into a lovely younger lass that used to go to our scuba diving club.
Shed always fancied my mate who was married with kids.
Anyway we chatted and planned to “go on a date” which for me was a big thing having been married for 26 years.
The date was the big horse race -Dubai World Cup. Ssort of Ladies day at Ascot without chavs.
She arrived to pick me up in a taxi about 13:00 looking stunning in a posh frock. We had a lunch table in the Moet lounge booked this was going to be a big day.
Arrived at the racecourse entrance. They had 15,000 spectators coming and decided to have ONE Airport style security scanner operating with 2 security guys 1 of whom kept stopping to have a smoke.
It was 34C the floor was sand. Girls were in heels. An elderly couple had flown from Australia just for the race. The wife collapsed with a heart attack.
Fights broke out. My dates dress was ripped by some fit from Essex trying to pull her out the way.
5 hours it took before we could get back into a taxi to get away. No refunds for the tickets no refunds for the brunch. She went home in tears got arrested for complaining on social media and cautioned and left town for good the same week.
Hi hum. She was a not only stunning but a bloody successful and wealthy and funny lass as well.
6 weeks after the event the authorities finally held an investigation. People were fired some that flew in got refunds and yes arrests were made. All a bit late really.
I went out 3 days later to drown my sorrows and bumped into a lass I had known for a while but never “noticed” because I’d been married. And that’s how I ended up married to Mrs D_P
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A story of two Phil’s with some Fillys!!
Dubai Phil didn’t get a Happy Ending … but eventually did, where as Phil Saint did get a Happy Ending but then it went bad 
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Some girls are funny about that. I dated a girl who would only do the bj if I promised most faithfully not to cum in her mouth. “If you do, I’ll spit in your face!”. I kind of assumed she was joking rip 
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Not quite mastered your deep throat technique, Baz?
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Nope the truth is it was a Tindaloo and he was using it as an excuse to get rid of it. You just can’t handle the truth!
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This wasn’t me, the funniest one I’ve heard of but this isn’t a first date thing is when these two blokes and a girl decided to have some fun in the car, one bloke with the door open one side and one opposite and the girl in the passenger seat face facing one and arse the other, whilst getting fellatio the lad bends down and under the roof to feel the lady bits but inadvertently grabs the balls of the other bloke who instinctively yanks his head back only for it to smash into the roof which in turn leads to a night in the A&E of them sewing the cut in his head back together.
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A Tale of Two Gashes
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Very good Eric 
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Many years ago there was a works party on a boat that left from Ocean Village. some of you may remember them, i think they were called a riverboat shuffle or something, anyway it involved a big group on a boat for the evening getting pissed. I went with some works collleagues and our partners. The booze flowed and there were some party games organised by the boat crew, one of which i was picked out for.
Four fellas (yours truly being one) were picked out and told to sit on seats. Four ladies were then selected and we were partnered up. The girls were told to take down our trousers, fit us with a nappy, sit on our laps and feed us a baby bottle of spirits. The first to finish the bottle, won. Proudly, i finished this task with ease in first place. Unfortunately, i thought i would celebrate and stood up with arms aloft, soaking up the applause, only for the nappy to fall down and the semi i’d got from a random honey squirming about on my lap to be winking through my boxer shorts at the assembled crowd. Oh, well, not to worry.
The real problem started after this bit of fun. More booze was sunk and the girl in my team was found and we were getting on well, much to the chagrin of my GF and her BF. About half an hour before we were due to dock, i was well pissed and went for a jimmy, only to be followed into the khazi by the girl who’d sat on my lap. she made it clear she was up for a bit if we could get rid of our respective partners. Good Idea, i said, although not really in any state to do much, i didn’t need to do any furtive work with my GF as she was so pissed off with me she stormed off when we got back to Port.
What happened after was a bit hazy and i’m not quite sure how it happened, but in essence i tried to bang this girl up against a shop front of some kind down the bottom of town. But being so drunk, i was unable to muster anything like a decent boner (a bit like you gavstar) and tried to thumb in the semi i had, with not a great deal of success. Eventually i did manage to get something going, only to be rudely interupted by the BF shouting at us from a distance as we’d been rumbled. Oh fuck, i thought, time to scarper, but i forgot i had my strides halfway down my legs and tried to run, with the inevitable consequence of going a gutser on the pavement. Add to this a pretty decent kick in the midriff by the BF and there i was, pissed, wounded and semi naked. Not a good end to the evening.
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Took a girl out once. I get the beers in. When we finished them, I said “your round”.
She looked at me as if I had two heads, and refused to get the beers in. Didn’t last long. I walked out on the dare five minutes later.
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She was there for a dare?
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Sounds like she was after one of those relationships that are only 50/50 equal.
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Why else would she have been there?
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Bah, obviously meant date.
We are mates now, but do not speak of “the incident”.
OK. A mate of mine on a trip back from Uni back in Brighton went to a party on the Waterside at the house of the friend of a mate in the school year above home (they’d left school before you ask).
The mate, good looking, slim and fresh blood was surrounded by young fillies wanting to know about life outside of the environs of God’s own city.
Drink followed drink, said fillies left one by one until the party was over, friend had left and the host and missus went to bed. Two people left, friend of host and mate.
In summary, mate got fucked by a chubster who used him like a sex toy and demanded to known why he didn’t like getting bitten until it bled and why scratching his back like you’d been whipped with a cat-o-nine-tails.
Regardless, mate did the deed rolled off said chubster and passed out. Woke a few hours later by the delicate fog horn snoring of chubster and spent a good half hour getting dressed quietly and getting out of the house without setting off the alarm - still pissed.
Staggered home to Hythe, parents still in bed and no key to get in, mate decides to have a kip on the sunbed in the patio, it being a warm dawn
couple of hours later said parents wakeup, come downstairs and wake up mate. For some reason he couldn’t move and sit up. With a hurculerian effort he sits up to the sound of tearing flesh and indescribable pain - turns out the blood from his scratched back had made a scab with the sunbed
His parents looked at his back, the sunbed, and have never asked why.
So I have been told…
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Nice try @saintbletch - My mate tells me it’s only when he gets a good tan.
The sunbed was disposed of as medically contaminated waste…
Has she got a round in yet?
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