Disastrous first dates/one night stands/romantic encounters

Not quite mastered your deep throat technique, Baz?

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Nope the truth is it was a Tindaloo and he was using it as an excuse to get rid of it. You just can’t handle the truth!

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This wasn’t me, the funniest one I’ve heard of but this isn’t a first date thing is when these two blokes and a girl decided to have some fun in the car, one bloke with the door open one side and one opposite and the girl in the passenger seat face facing one and arse the other, whilst getting fellatio the lad bends down and under the roof to feel the lady bits but inadvertently grabs the balls of the other bloke who instinctively yanks his head back only for it to smash into the roof which in turn leads to a night in the A&E of them sewing the cut in his head back together.

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A Tale of Two Gashes :cool:

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Very good Eric :lou_lol:

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Many years ago there was a works party on a boat that left from Ocean Village. some of you may remember them, i think they were called a riverboat shuffle or something, anyway it involved a big group on a boat for the evening getting pissed. I went with some works collleagues and our partners. The booze flowed and there were some party games organised by the boat crew, one of which i was picked out for.

Four fellas (yours truly being one) were picked out and told to sit on seats. Four ladies were then selected and we were partnered up. The girls were told to take down our trousers, fit us with a nappy, sit on our laps and feed us a baby bottle of spirits. The first to finish the bottle, won. Proudly, i finished this task with ease in first place. Unfortunately, i thought i would celebrate and stood up with arms aloft, soaking up the applause, only for the nappy to fall down and the semi i’d got from a random honey squirming about on my lap to be winking through my boxer shorts at the assembled crowd. Oh, well, not to worry.

The real problem started after this bit of fun. More booze was sunk and the girl in my team was found and we were getting on well, much to the chagrin of my GF and her BF. About half an hour before we were due to dock, i was well pissed and went for a jimmy, only to be followed into the khazi by the girl who’d sat on my lap. she made it clear she was up for a bit if we could get rid of our respective partners. Good Idea, i said, although not really in any state to do much, i didn’t need to do any furtive work with my GF as she was so pissed off with me she stormed off when we got back to Port.

What happened after was a bit hazy and i’m not quite sure how it happened, but in essence i tried to bang this girl up against a shop front of some kind down the bottom of town. But being so drunk, i was unable to muster anything like a decent boner (a bit like you gavstar) and tried to thumb in the semi i had, with not a great deal of success. Eventually i did manage to get something going, only to be rudely interupted by the BF shouting at us from a distance as we’d been rumbled. Oh fuck, i thought, time to scarper, but i forgot i had my strides halfway down my legs and tried to run, with the inevitable consequence of going a gutser on the pavement. Add to this a pretty decent kick in the midriff by the BF and there i was, pissed, wounded and semi naked. Not a good end to the evening.

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Took a girl out once. I get the beers in. When we finished them, I said “your round”.

She looked at me as if I had two heads, and refused to get the beers in. Didn’t last long. I walked out on the dare five minutes later.

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She was there for a dare?

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Sounds like she was after one of those relationships that are only 50/50 equal.

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Why else would she have been there?

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Bah, obviously meant date.

We are mates now, but do not speak of “the incident”.

OK. A mate of mine on a trip back from Uni back in Brighton went to a party on the Waterside at the house of the friend of a mate in the school year above home (they’d left school before you ask).

The mate, good looking, slim and fresh blood was surrounded by young fillies wanting to know about life outside of the environs of God’s own city.

Drink followed drink, said fillies left one by one until the party was over, friend had left and the host and missus went to bed. Two people left, friend of host and mate.

In summary, mate got fucked by a chubster who used him like a sex toy and demanded to known why he didn’t like getting bitten until it bled and why scratching his back like you’d been whipped with a cat-o-nine-tails.

Regardless, mate did the deed rolled off said chubster and passed out. Woke a few hours later by the delicate fog horn snoring of chubster and spent a good half hour getting dressed quietly and getting out of the house without setting off the alarm - still pissed.

Staggered home to Hythe, parents still in bed and no key to get in, mate decides to have a kip on the sunbed in the patio, it being a warm dawn

couple of hours later said parents wakeup, come downstairs and wake up mate. For some reason he couldn’t move and sit up. With a hurculerian effort he sits up to the sound of tearing flesh and indescribable pain - turns out the blood from his scratched back had made a scab with the sunbed

His parents looked at his back, the sunbed, and have never asked why.

So I have been told…

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Did your back scar, @cobham-saint ?

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Nice try @saintbletch - My mate tells me it’s only when he gets a good tan.

The sunbed was disposed of as medically contaminated waste…

Has she got a round in yet?

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Maybe she heard it as “you’re round” … surprised she didn’t reply …“fuck off you skinny streak of gnats piss”

Continuing my theme for this thread … a tale of two yours :cool:

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It didn’t involve me directly, but I think it’s a funny tale nonetheless.

About 17 years ago (i remember as Mrs Numpty was pregnant with our eldest) I attended a work reunion drink up in town. The company we all worked for was based in Abingdon, but had relocated and many staff had left, but as a reasonable number lived in Southampton and the main man organising it lived here we had a reunion in town. One of my old colleagues, let’s call him Justin, as that was his name, was due to stay over at mine as he was travelling down from Aylesbury.

Plenty of beers were had and it was good to catch up with the lads. Some went home as the night wore on and there were six of us left in the early hours. The decision was made to go to FYEO, when it was on London Road, so we all paid our tenner and trounced into the titty bar for more beer and an ogle. Spirits were high and Justin caught sight of a couple getting some dances from the ladies on show and was quite taken with the thought of a woman paying another women to strip in front of her. Anyway, we stayed for an hour or so and then said our goodbyes and went off home.

Whilst walking down Wilton Avenue with Justin, he spied the couple he had seen in the club walking iin front of us. He caught up with them and started a conversation. Introductions followed and we were invited back to their place which was just off Wilton Avenue. Now at this point I should describe Justin at this point. He was originally from Barry Island and wasn’t short of confidence, some might say he was gobby. He also hadn’t missed many breakfasts and was the proud owner of a large, 23 stone frame which, that night, had been levered into a purple velvet suit (straight up). Also, he wasn’t blessed with good looks and had the appearance of a pasty Shrek type character. But he was a funny guy and we got on well.

So, we entered the house and our hosts cracked open a bottle of Absinthe. Not having had that before, it was a bit of a shock, but we took to the hopsitality well. Conversation ensued and it turns out the fella was a part time DJ with a superb record and CD collection, which I spent some time looking through. After a while he said “Oh, where are the other two? I think they have gone upstairs?” and left to go up the wooden hill. Knowing my mate was a chancer i thought, oh, oh, I’d better follow on in case there is a ruck, but was pleased to see nothing more than the woman and Justin talking. OK, time for a piss i thought and stumbled into the khazi for a slash. After muddling about in the craphouse, i emerged to walk past the bedroom and was greeted with the sight of the woman we had just met, naked on the bed, with Justin dining eagerly at the Captains Table. The fella was watching, offering encouragement to my mate. Unsure of what i was really seeing, i took a second or two to get this straight. But it was happening and I was beckoned into the room by the fella to join in the fun. Having a pregnant GF at home, i declined his kind offer but was transfixed by what i saw. A fat, ugly, Welshman who made Quasimodo look like Cary Grant, tucking into a strangers muff.

It didn’t stop there. The fella, then drops his strides to reveal what i belive is called a “micropenis” and proceded to play with himself vigorously, while Justin tried to adapt his position for a round of coitus with his new friend, who was voiciferously urging him on. He was now in full swing and had shed some clothes. With the unfortunate sight of his billowing flanks of lard as he attempted intercourse a mere few feet away from my sight, i could hold my laughter in no longer. This was then compounded when the fella with the micropenis siddled up behind Justin and about to try and use my mate a contraceptive. Naturally I fell about the place and had to leave them all to it.

I found him early the next day, sleeping in the porch. He gathered his bag and left swiftly. I have seen him about half a dozen times since and he steadfastly refuses to talk about the situation and whether he earned his receivers wings that night. I’ve no idea about the couple in question, save for walking past them once in town. They may still live there. The fella may even post on this forum. If it’s any of you guys, i’d love to know how the evening ended.

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If anybody was on the receiving end of the micro-penis i assume it would have been just in.

I thank you - i’m here all week.

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We have a guy called Justin in my pool team (have I mentioned I play in a pool league of a Wednesday evening?)

His team shirt (I know, sad innit) has 2" on the back, it took him ages to work it out.

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I wish I had something interesting to contribute to this thread, but sadly all my encounters are pretty lame. :lou_sad:

There was a guy who was really into slapping my bum. Like a proper full on, naked, over his knee, slapping session. Which is fine, but it wasn’t doing much for me. That didn’t last.

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