Funniest jokes at the Fringe

Monkey Tennis
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It’s that time of year again.

The funniest ‘joke’ from this year is by Darren Walsh below.

The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe

  1. “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free” - Darren Walsh
  2. “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West” - Stewart Francis
  3. “Surely every car is a people carrier?” - Adam Hess
  4. “What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter” - Masai Graham
  5. “If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go” - Dave Green
  6. “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas” - Mark Nelson
  7. “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day” - Tom Parry
  8. “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves” - Alun Cochrane
  9. “Clowns divorce. Custardy battle” - Simon Munnery
  10. “They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for…” - Grace The Child

and these missed the short list…

  • “I never lie on my CV…because it creases it.” - Jenny Collier
  • “If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself” - Ian Smith
  • “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time” - Tom Ward
  • “Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t” - Gyles Brandreth
  • “Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means ‘me’” - Ally Houston
  • “Earlier this year I saw “The Theory of Everything” - loved it. Should’ve been called “Look Who’s Hawking”, that’s my only criticism” - James Acaster
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Re: Giles Brandreth…by that token the definition of an asshole is someone who can’t play the bagpipes but does. My idea of a nightmare…I hate the fuckin’ things.

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My mate’s dad used to go down Daisy Dip and belt the bagpipes out.

I don’t mind them at the end of It’s a Long Way To The Top (if you wanna rock and roll).

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Good pipes at end of this choon too

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I’m surprised that he got away with that as the best joke, especially in this PC mad world!!

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Apologies for the internet equivalent of Frankensteinism, but have just seen this. Please ignore it and go back to this evening’s stuff.

1/ Pretty good.

2/ Obvious. Ok - ish.

3/ Ok.

4/ Not bad.

5/ Best one so far i.e. cleverest.

6/ See 2 above.

7/ Pretty good. See 5 above.

8/ Simple, but effective. Standard comedic misdirection.

9/ Nice, but more just wordplay. 2nd degree level joke-writing.

10/ See 5 above.

Others: Acaster and Brandereth aside, all are better than most of the top 10, apart from 5th and 10th.

Rude ones censored, I see. Possibly some good ones in there.

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It’s that time if year again, again.

Number 10 for me.

Number 5 is for you papster (and Barry).

Dave’s Top 15 funniest jokes from the 2016 Fringe

1. “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” Masai Graham

2. “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” Stuart Mitchell

3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson

4. “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith

5. “ I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.” Will Duggan

6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” Tiff Stevenson

7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney

8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” Adele Cliff

9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath

10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes

11. “Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be president, as long as your husband did it first.” Michelle Wolf

12. “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” Roger Swift

13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.”_ Arthur Smith _

14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons

15 “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” Phil Nicol

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Some good ones there, and some that people have clearly sat down with for three days and overthought until they have gone beyond clever into over-engineered.

And I’d like to think Mark Watson has better material than a joke that must be a hundred years old.

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Can’t believe there are no mother-in-law jokes. What’s the world come to?

My mother-in-law will be turning in her grave… if she hasn’t suffocated on the cold wet earth that surrounds her miserable haggard face yet. HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

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I quite like Mark Watson but he did market pear cider, badly - which is unforgivable…

…as Stewart Lee points out here…

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Peep Show, The IT Crowd, Extras, Gavin and Stacey, Phoenix Nights, The Office, Thick of It, Car Share - and every other comedy, have all been beaten by Mrs Brown’s Boys in a public poll to name the best comedy of the century. :astonished:

Someone is having a fucking laugh - and it isn’t audience at Mrs Brown’s Boys!

Great Britain, take a good look at yourself.

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  1. OK

  2. OK

  3. Old

  4. Mildly amusing

  5. Funny stereotyping, bit racist though

  6. Crap

  7. Funny because it’s true

  8. WTF

  9. Ripped off of Jack Whitehall

  10. OK

  11. Crap

  12. Crap

  13. Funny

  14. Humourous but not funny

  15. Crap

All in all a pretty shoddy effort if that is the best that was on offer.

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Ok, message to all sotonians.com members.

Can we all club together to get Big Frustrated Bob laid?

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It will be cheaper to get him a ticket to Manila and I will escort him to Makati.

Bearsy not be his escort in Makati. :lou_lol:

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The Liverpool pub quiz one stands alone. :lou_lol:

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