Glastonbury 2016

Bear has surprising insight into the world of Tolkien for a cool dude

And yet you say that as if it is a bad thing!

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It is if you want to retain your disco biscuits and other goodies.

Mmmmm, I might trade the biscuits for a foursome with two uniformed lesbians and an enthusiastic German Shepherd.

Which gives me an idea for a film…

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The Food Experience

One thing they don’t really put on the bill at Glastonbury is all the fabulous shit you can eat, for a price, of course. Mexican was ubiquitous this year, but it was EngMex, Mexican for English people. Burrito topped with Cheddar Cheese, just like they do it in Baja California, apparently :lou_sunglasses:

The “first ever” was an ostrich burger, procured just after PJ Harvey’s set. Unlike the cheddared burritos, some thought had actually gone into this. The ostrich patty was cooked in a huge skillet of onions. The sauce accompaniment is of some note in a future conversation. Stilton mayonaise. I’m not sure if they eat stilton where ostriches run about, but it’s classier than cash and carry bought grated cheddar, right?

When I’d worked my way through the swamp, ms pap asks “what’s on it?”.

I say “it’s almost as if they’ve made it to piss you off, Ginge. It’s the two things you hate the most, stilton and mayonaise, combined into a single thing”.

She declined the offer of a bite of my ostrich burger.

That was Bernie Clifton’s arse in a bap.

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Is the winner of the most English sentence posted by a guy from the US :slight_smile: You are from the US?

Phil’s Glasto Review.

Finally home & at a laptop! Will do 3 parts for y’all - the Old Fart’s Review & Advice

Glasto 2016 was dictated by the fucking Mud. KRG - Thank God you did not go! My knee had been the size of a balloon a week before and I was restricted. We then had a team member strain his Meniscus on a late night hike back from the Park.

So what did that mean? Normally we love the randomness of wandering through the fields & dropping in on unexpected bands on the smaller stages. This year we learnt very early on that was not going to be fesible. - Maybe old age?

We learnt that instead of hopping between Pyramid & Other Stage we simply couldn’t face the ankle deep gloop. This dramtically changed our Glasto, different for sure but in fact it had no effect on our enjoyment. Because we didn’t move around we saw FAR more gigs than we would do usually and some were unexpectedly good.

Thursday - We arrived at my mates gaff - 7 bedroom Mansion that he rebuilt over the last year, a 3m 26 s drive from Gate B (ie closer than the Campervan Park) Boys put up the Awning on the VW & me & Mrs D_P had luxury Balinese 4 poster bed & en Suite! Late afternoon we drove to the gate & wandered around, Cider Bis, Brothers in West Holts, watched some bands in the Tents & on the Bandstand, had some munchies & got back to bae in time to empty a couple of bottles of POlish Vidka around a Campfire.

Friday - straight to the Other Stage where James were delayed 20 minutes (luckily for us - bit slow after the Vodka!) If EVER a band deserved to be abused by Football Fans it is James - One Song - You’ve only got one song… Yes I know they are still going but the other stuff is very bland and not the Anthemic launch music of say the Kaiser Chiefs a couple of years ago. In fact we got bored after 30 minutes & headed up to The Park (at this point the mud wasn’t that restrictive)

First Rip Off - The Ale tent supplied Steel Pint Pots for a 5 quid deposit, then 4.50 for Otter Ale. We went to the Park & watched Night Beats a US based Rock Band which we had never heard of but really enjoyed while sitting in the Sun

At this point we tried to take the Beer Mugs back - nope cannot get the money back have to find a Water Aid Tent - yep that never happened - 9.50 a pint - farking Dubai Prices! A long trudge back to the Pyramid to set up camp to watch Two Door Cinema Club then Jess Glynne.

Tbh honest 2DCC just came over as warm fuzzy Indie, JG? Warm fuzzy Girly Pop - we disliked the first and actually really enjoyed Jess, good tunes & a sing a long to get us ready for ZZ Top…

Oh. What a disappointment they were. Almost Jamesesque in their blandness. Most damming thing I can say? We sat in our chairs all through as did most people around us.

Foals perked us up. Can see why they are popular, they do seem to be very close to making that “Big Thing” breakthrough to Festival Legends. For us Jess was better but Foals weren’t far behind.

Muse. Well, Last time I watched them I was filming from the back of the staqge while they played their Encore so I was REALLY looking forward to seeing them infront of a big crowd. Easliy the highlight of the day, BUT.

Now that is the thing. 1) They were painfully loud. We stood in our regular spot and Mrs D-P developed a headache and mentioned it being TOO loud, it wasn’t long before I had to concur. 2) Their new stuff is actually bland shit. Yeah a couple of good ones in there but in a 90+ minute set there were periods when the mind wandered and yes, too loud, bored now, let’s fuck off home.

The other 2 lads in our team had headed back to The Park to see Richard Hawley. It took them almost 2 hours to get back after the gig, a nightmare fight through Mud & Crowds. They thought he had been superb - Power Ballads they called it. Think they’d have preferred to stay and see Muse to avoid that nightmare and we’d have preferred to have had more songs we knew.

Back to Base camp, drama and tales from all around including our host & his guests, two more Vodka bottles destroyed with Polish Cabanos & Pickles. Time for Bed

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Saturday.

We’d taken a vote the night before. We all wanted to see Squeeze, but with a Man down (knee strapped up & didgy Meds) we knee we were limited on how far we could trudge round, so had decided to have a lazy morning & watch the Rugby (yeah TV at Glasto eh!!)

We got a lift onto site about 2pm and made our way down the aptly named Muddy Lane to the Circus Field. Ah at last - all the weird shit. We met Captain Scott, some Tea Ladies, I got attacked by a Flock of Seagulls - would have liked to see them sing I Ran…- and parked ourselves in Astrolabe for some Comedy. One bloke talking about Algorythms and then Stephen Frost & his Improv all Stars had us in stitches. Then time to trudge back to the Pyramid

1st Up Madness. I think they have been better esp when I saw them about 7 years ago at Glasto, but they did what they do and everyone sings along. Mrs D_P did nail them by saying - Wow, amazing how a bad Karaoke Singer can have had such a great career in Music - there’s hope for you yet Phil! A good solid and dependable gig - worth the effort.

The boys had Last Shadow Puppets high on their must see list. What a shame I thought they had a good Pedigree but eek, Pretentious Shit - our Hosts had taken their kids to see Tom Odell & The 1975 and really enjoyed it, think that was our first FAIL of the weekend.

Next up? The big Surprise Tame Impala - what a great set and what perfect music to sit in the mud & listen to. Had never heard of them down here, sure have now. Think Shadow Puppets served to set us up for this and it became our “Discovery Moment” of the weekend - edging Night Beats into second place.

So we Cider Up Power Banks the Mobile Devices and get ready for Potty Mouth. To be disturbed by some CND looking unwashed woman who wanted to interview us for BBC TV! So she prepped us and got a lighting thing rigged up, told us what the presenter would ask and… She never made it to us - she went to talk to a couple that looked to be about 80 sitting near us - oh well - didn’t bother us but I know it would have ruined a lot of people’s afternoon to see us on telly!

Seriously? The stage just has a big Adele Face and she sings the word “Hello” twoce as she walks onto the stage. No matter what you think of her mental state and lyrics, that one word summed her up - absolute goosebumps. That voice could sing the phone directory and it would be heaven to hear. You cannot hate her, she’s just a girl from Lundin innit. Of course everyobe sang, everyone cried, everyone hugged.

IMHO you do not go to see an Adele Concert. You go to see a magical moment in time, a moment with THAT voice. We all agreed it had been utterly awesome, and promptly forgot everything she sang, being only able to remember how dumbass she sounded Effing & blinding her way through the show. Oh and when she got the peeps up from the crowd PMSL Adele to Girlie “What has been your most amazing moment at Glasto?” Girlie “I think maybe watching The 1975” While the crowd scream WTF! You mean Standing on stage taking Selfies with Adele is NOT the greates moment of your LIFE??

And then The Mud… This time it got real. 70,000 people all trying to get out of the field and up a hill to get out/back to their tents - an epic trudge being pushed & jostled - it was then we noticed a change in attitude of many - previous Glasto;s everyone is chilled, now “Corporatisation” means groups of Coked up “Lads” caring fuck all for where they are or what is going on, only caring about “We need to get to the front of Arcadia”

What should have been a 16 minute walk home took 90 minutes. Took a lot of the gloss of the evening

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Sunday

First Task was to pack the bulk of our kit, we always get up at 5am and are always home in Salisbury by 6:45 - then have the full day to wash stuff & unpack.

Headed back to the Circus Field and dropped in to watch Paul Heaton & Jacqueline Abbot absolutely nail it was a set of Beautiful South’s greatest hits. An unexpected highlight, and really enjoyed it. Managed to get up into Avalon and a few of the other fields before wending our way to THE MUD. Christ on a bike it had now become horrific. Ankle deep Squidgy sucking soul destroying gloop. What should have been a 20 minute trip took almost an hour, Even when we could get onto the pathways the trucks and service vehicles had no choice but to use them and so everyone was forced into the gloop.

But we made it, stocked up on Cider and sat down to watch ELO.

OK, now look, 1) everyone loves them 2) they are an institution 3) we sang every song, but honestly, in this day and age you do kind of expect a LITTLE bit more than a thankyou. Musically - brilliant - Entertainment wise? My Hiking Stick had more Stage Presence than Jeff does. Did not make them a BAD gig (after all ZZ Top had been FAR more dull on stage the night before, it just made me wonder at the “OMG amazing” reviews I’ve read of their tour on FB & Twitter of late.Maybe it just reminded me too much of the standard safe don’t say anything shows we get down this way.

Ellie Goulding - Oh Gawd - the one moment we all wished we had the energy to go somewhere else… And… Oh NOOOO. Bollocks. We find ourselves singing along. Oh shit, the boys are DANCING to her. Christ on a Bike that is the WORST thing I have seen since they danced to ed Sheeran 2 years ago. And there is future HRH bouncing around on the stage and playing heavy metal riffs on a Guitar and oh Fcuk she’s REALLY GOOD, and NO we are ENJOYING the show. I will NEVER forgive myself…

And onto Beck. OK he gave us time to move from our regular spot and head right up the back of the field by the Big Tree. It was unbearably meh, until his last few songs were sing a long covers. But we were only worried about getting food or Cider by this time and waiting for Coldplay.

Coldplay - look I get that they are Marmite. In fact I had EWF on my list and would have had everyone in West Holts IF it had not been for the Mud. But we were NOT moving and hod positioned ourselves for an easier exit. And WHAT a decision that was - we had the entire field in our view. They come on, they play some chords and KAFUCKINGBOOM It was All Yellow. I mean EVERYFUCKINGWHERE. Lights, Lasers, Fireworks and Us. Wait US? 70,000 writs bands were given out and OMG WHAT a sight. The entire field is Yellow, it is on it is off it is flashing and the NOISE? Not Muse like volume but the Singing. It was hair-raising Goosie Tear Jerking.

Love or hate their music they put on a SHOW. It was 2 hours of Stupendous Sensuaol overload. I have never seen anything like it and I don’t believe I will ever see something like it again.

Unlike Muse who rammed their new stuff down our throats from the Off, they kept to their anthems and simply slipped occassional new tracks in while we were catching our breath. It just kept coming.

The “Normally at this point in the show we play Heroes” Moment with the Viola Beach tribute was touching and anthemic and unforgettable. But then to bring Barry Gibb on stage - he warbles through To love somebody, which was tear jerkingly beautiful and frail and tender and sung by everyone.

Then - well 100,000 people just fucking lost it. No idea who was more out of key, us or Barry, but who gave a fuck, we were ankle deep in Mud and we were doing that Dance and NOTHING was going to stop us

And so now, the end was near. Perhaps the greates karaoke moment ever? Michael Eavis

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I miss Les Gray, he was the coolest bloke in the world when I was ten.

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Thanks for that Phil…bloody good read.

I do get it…the Adele and The Coldplay thing that we’re all too cool to admit to…you have to be there.

Like John B Sebastian at the 1970 Isle of Wight…traffic chaos and a whole host of afternoon star acts can’t get into the site. So a man and a guitar has quarter of a million people eating out of the palm of his hand for over 2 hours…you have to be there. :lou_lol:

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Thanks Slow Lane

OK The Uncle Phil Guide to Surviving Glastonbury - Especially for Soggy :slight_smile:

  1. Do not Camp at Glasto unless you are 18. If you’re older than that, then send family members there to queue two weeks early and pitch a Circle of Tents with some mates and wind breaks. But then you will have people rolling in their tent & elbowing you in the nuts all night :wink: It is about a 2 mile walk to a car park - 4 miles if you are up in the Park area - you have to get your kit there - that means a wheel barrow or something with BIG WHEELS.

  2. In the name of all that is Holy do NOT go with Babies in Buggies (unless they are 4 x 4 Buggies - no matter how many people we saw, their faces simply said WHY? Sure going with Baby may be better than missing the event but by choice? Same applies to going with Kids - take a pair of Reins with you - ESPECIALLY if you have young teenagers :wink: And no, no matter what you do you will not have Power or Mobile Service or will power

So you have to Glamp. That means Campervan - to get access it MUST have fitted sleeping & Cooking facilities - a White Van with sleeping bags and a Portaloo isn’t gonna hack it, that means borrowing or hiring one. With the Van you can also put up a Tent so you can get 4 or more mates together. You have better loo access (Portaloos instead of Long Drops) and somewhere to lock stuff away and cook a breakfast.

You can Yurt. This may seem expensive but it gives you a secure unit bed & shower http://thelovefields.com/dev/thp.php?load=yurtco.thp&page=home.html It MAy be cheaper than renting a Campervan for 2 people

Arrival

Campervan - get there a day early! As was seen this year, by 6pm on Wednesday the Camper fields were unusable so huge numbers were parked up at the Bath & West Showground meaning you had to be bussed back and forwards. Not great at 1am.

Leaving

Set your Alarm for 5 am Monday morning throw everything in the Van and be home by 06:45. OR you can get pissed up Sunday have a lazy breakfast and spend 6 hours in traffic jams waiting for a tow

Kit.

Under 35’s and real men wear Shorts & Wellies and Poundland Rain Ponchos’. Normal Humans? - We need somewheer to sit. You’ll be at Glasto for around 12 hours. It is ALWAYS a Mud Bath even when the sun shines. Wellies MUST be the first things in the bag. Walking Boots second. Around the campsite - Flipflops are a Godsend. Walking Boots are more comfy but when the water is 2 feet deep you get trenchfoot. Even when Sunny, the Urinals will be ankle deep in a Piss based Mud, you really want that oozing into your socks at 10:30 at night?

Camping Chair - this is for me a must have - and with a Cup Holder for your Beer/Cider! also IF you get one with a Big Bag, you can fit Waterproofs into it as well as a fleece for evening time. When it is chucking it down through a boring ZZ Top set, having a Cowboy/Aussie Bush Hat is a must but when wet it weighs about 18 Kg by Midnight!) Goretex helps but if you are shopping look for Pockets that you can reach while seated. Why? Well you will need phone smokes, Baby Wipes Power Bank, Emergency Munchies and the all important Poundland Ponchos! (Yes even Goretex gives up after about 6 hours of rain plus the Poncho can be used to sit on or wrap up muddy chairs

Meds are pretty important too - Brufen for strains & hangovers, Sunblock - ffs even I got burnt in two hours on Friday & also really useful Isotonic Drink Powder for those moments when the CIder Beeer and other stuff blow you away

A Big Brolly is annoying, a Poundland Brolly is useful but only lasts one day but they are essential.

In an ideal world I’d recommend NOT taking a Chair because it does get heavy and it does stop you joining the Rave at Arcadia later at night. Corporate Types could have bought two chairs for 18 quid each day - but that was 4 pints of Hot & Spicy Cider - sod that.

Is all that stuff ESSENTIAL? No. Does it make Glasto comfortable? Hell yes.

Power Banks - Absolute MUST. Check the MwH rating of your Phone - most Iphones & Samsung are about 2400/2600. That means a 4800 will recharge you TWICE. So you will be there 4 days. The EE Recharge thing is for Mugs tbh - a low MwH rated Bank and then an hour long queue in only one location to swap for a recharged bank. Better to invest in your won. I found a Solar charger 7200MwH - would do two phones at once and then leave in the dashboard of the Van and it would be full again by the time you got home. Of course - didn’t need it as we had Mains Power - duh.

This year for the first time I had access to a Hiking Stick - lightweight Car Boot Sale type piece of kit. In that Mud at my age with my knees, thank Christ I did. It stopped me falling at least two or three times and helped me get up and down hills.

Boots? B&Q 5 years old cost 7.99 now done 3 Glastos. Sod all that trendy shit, just get comfy ones and break them in (And pack Corn Platers in your Med Kit for Blisters!)

Bon Liners & Freezer Bags. Wallet Phone & Smokes all needed to go in a Freezer Bag, it rained so much Friday afternoon we were soaked to the core. Couple of people near us had Waterprrofs with open pockets - put their Mobile in Pocket - it was a swimming pool! Bin Liners to wear, wrap around knees or pack stuff into. IF you are in a Tent inside Glasto it is essential to keep your kit farily dry.

Do you NEED to take Booze? The Boys were all "We’re gonna take beer in every day. Well Day One they each packed 6 cans - by lunchtime they were knackered from carrying the weight. Yeah it saves you 2 or 3 quid a pint but is the hassle worth it, there are bars every 500 metres ffs. Oh we’ll drink back at the Tent - Yes IF inside Glasto but in a Campervan? How much beer do you want to drink at 1am after Adele? A stiff shot of Whisky may be…

So as my Mum said Oh my God how Dreadfull all that Mud, I felt so sorry for you.

But it is NOT like that - you KNOW it will be wet & Muddy so in this Bear Grylls World we can go down to Blacks or Mountain Warehouse and buy the right kit. Poundland Ponchos are BRILLIANT and work equally well (OK you get wet arms). With the right kit you can tackle the mud, then it is about deciding what bands you HAVE TO SEE, what you’d like to see if you can and then explore as much as the Conditions and your age allow you to.

Me & Mrs D_P are sorted for next year already, we will get Villager Tickets IF we cannot get from the actual sale, and will be back (health willing) Uber Glamping again. Will next year be at Glasto or will it be at Longleat (Oh now THAT will be a traffic disaster)

Meanwhile. Who wants to start a SAVE THE PYRAMID STAGE Petition?

My mate is involved in replacing it and shipping the old one to? Yes Dubai - due here late September/October.

Michael Eavis was THE last ever performance on that Legendary Stage

Think I’ll do food & drink tomorrow

I do NOT want to spoil the new 2017 Glasto Thread with a moan so decided to put it on here.

Ed Sheeran is going to be the Closing Headline Act at Glasto 2017.

What the actual fuck are you thinking?

Look I respect Ed, I like his music. His gig that followed Dolly Parton 3 years ago was really good fun.

But it was NOT HEADLINE material.

Are there seriously so few PROPER ROCK BANDS left on the planet these days?

Fuck, JayZee deserves to close the show more than Ed FFS

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@dubai_phil

Do we have a Glastonbury 2017 thread yet?

Re Ed I feel the same but then I felt like that about Adele. I probably prefer Ed’s music slightly over hers. He had those 3 nights at Wembley Stadium a few year’s back and all over the top 20. He’s popular. I remember catching him at Reading Festival in the BBC lounge thing.

As I did with Adele I wandered off to see something else. Because of the mud didn’t get anywhere so had rum hotchocolates up in the park whilst Jarvis Cocker had a drink in the vicinity. I preferred that.

As I don’t have a ticket for Glastonbury this year (hoping resale will come good) it may not be something I worry about.

Have ANY of us got tickets?

Like you waiting on the resale. But tbh it’s our fault, we weren’t totally committed after last year as Mrs D_P can’t go as her old school in Krakow is having a massive reunion that weekend with people flying from all over the world. We also went the usual way but in fact SHOULD have gone for Coach packages - especially as we have a mate’s garden to park our camper van in.

Ed was bloody brilliant as the act straight after Dolly Parton. The whole singing/dancing along to Sing was one of my great Glasto Moments.

It’s just IMHO Ed vs Metallica? Ed vs the astonishing Audio/Visual/Sensory experience that was Coldplay.

It’s not an is he popular thing, I know his show would be a great karaoke night - but then so are the Human League or Bryan Adams shows.

IF he was the last but one act I’d be there watching him, but The Closing Act? Even Adele wasn’t given that privilege.

(Also being mean, I know as long as I don’t piss him off I have tickets)

Wait until you find out they let Coldplay close 2016.

I was with the cool kids over at LCD Soundsystem

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tbf Pap in my defence I was at Queens of the Stone Age when they closed Glasto properly

:wink:

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Ed Sheeran is not my cup of tea. The rest of the family love him, so I have to sup from his cup of gingery acoustic “ooh look I’m a rapper sometimes” shite with a regularity that I do not enjoy. This is one of the reasons I monopolise the car stereo on shared trips with my own music. Very little chance of Ed.

Glasto 2017 will therefore be the third Glastonbury in a row that I’ve attended where I’ve not watched the closing Sunday night act. I swerved Kasabian (ok band, fans have higher than average dick potential), Coldplay (ditto, except tasteless dicks) and now Ed Sheeran. I’m missing nothing. I saw the orange little blob desperately trying to please in 2014, and while I found that endearing enough in an afternoon slot where I wasn’t doing anything else and could earn brownie points with the fam, he’s not a good choice to close out your festival on the main stage.

Time to find next year’s LCD Soundsystem. Grooved my arse off. Had a ball.

Now that is fucking closing Glastonbury!