Glastonbury 2017

I’m waiting for clashfinder.

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It would appear that I have popped a Meniscus in my knee.

And have no local Medical Insurance due to new Visa being issued.

Oh shit gonna need a lot of planning and meds

Diana Ross

Nile Rodgers & Chic

Barry (Bee Gees set) Gibb

The Jacksons

Kris Kristofferson

Statuys Quo Rumour)

Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel

The Beat (Ft Ranking Roger)

It’s kind of a Phil’s bucket list from the late 70’s/80’s dream…

And that’s without some of the stuff I’d really like to see

Katy Perry, Ed Sheeran, Lady Gaga possibly) :lou_sunglasses:

I was joking that’s more in case my knee restricts me to being within 100m of the Cider Bus.

Hell, who am I kidding, I won’t be moving more than 100m from there no matter what state my knee is

WTAF?

Appearing in the Avalon Field no less.

Oh and he’s a bloody Brit. Born in Paddington

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Ah ha!

So the secret is out!

Bazza is actually Claudia.

Proof is the number of inaccuracies in the story - Sir Paul McArtney played Glasto 2017? Campfires? SRSLY?? :lou_sunglasses:

Don't feel ashamed about avoiding festivals this summer – no one has actually ever had fun at one

Women over 20: step away, I beseech you, from fringed suede minis, Daisy Duke hotpants and leather bralets. A menopausal boob does not suit a non-underwired strip of fabric. And men and women alike: do not be tempted by a 'fun' bumbag to carry your cash in – it will look like a badly concealed colostomy bag

![](upload://jivWVe7IyqbOPpAQLAv6QBN7vDY.png)
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Independent Voices

![festival-queue.jpg](upload://bht4XEl3lnlSddT1wNcoaonMlBz.jpeg "festival-queue.jpg") Is this what you really want? Be wise and stay at home Getty

There are some things I am ashamed to admit. I have never eaten a Scotch egg. I have dark fantasies about Phil from EastEnders. I like to sing “Summer of 69” on my oldest child’s karaoke set when everyone’s out the house. But there is one admission even more shameful than these – I have never been to a music festival.

Swipe through Facebook anytime in July or August and you will be besieged with posts and pics of people apparently having the time of their lives at a festival. Be it Glastonbury, Bestival, Latitude or the Isle of Wight, these shiny happy people exclaim “Whoa the Glasto sunset” or “Having time of my life at the Pyramid Stage” or “Selfie of me at the long-drop toilet!” with alarming frequency.

Friends post beaming images of themselves and their kids rocking out to Ed Sheeran, toddlers raised high above their heads kitted out in multi-coloured ear-defenders. “Come!” they tell me. “Bring the kids – it’s so family friendly! You’ll love it! What? You’ve _never _been to a festival? But how can you bear it?!”

Nevertheless, I am unmoved by the blissful boho pictures and scenes of bucolic joy. I conveniently miss the deadline to apply for Glastonbury tickets, and I cite vague and complicated reasons why I’m unavailable for any other festival this summer.

Because I know the real truth about music festivals. And here’s why I’ll never be signing up…

Festival fashion

I do not suit a fringed waistcoat. It does not make me look like a carefree wood sprite; it makes me look like a geriatric cowgirl.

Glastonbury 2017

Women over 20: step away, I beseech you, from fringed suede minis, Daisy Duke hotpants and leather bralets. A menopausal boob does not suit a non-underwired strip of fabric. A generous calf does not suit a Hunter welly.

Do not put glitter on your face – it will sink into your wrinkles and settle glumly on your jowls. There is no such thing as “boho chic” for you anymore. There is only M&S chic, with a flutter at Wallis for the more adventurous.

Men, too, should take note. Festival accessories are not for you. A balding dad in a wizard’s hat would make a troubling encounter on any high street in broad daylight, let alone in a field at midnight.

And men and women alike: do not be tempted by a “fun” bumbag to carry your cash in – it will look like a badly concealed colostomy bag.

The tent

To do a festival “properly”, you need a tent. You need to go to what is known as an “outdoors shop” and purchase said tent. And you will spend the same amount of money you could have spent on several nights at a boutique hotel.

Top glastonbury headline performances

While in this shop, you will be persuaded to purchase other horrifying essentials such as waterproof shoes, a_ parka-in-a-pack _and – horror of horrors – a fleece.

Your husband tells you that the tent will come in handy “for future camping holidays.” You decide there and then on a complete embargo on any canvas-based sexual activity.

On arrival at the festival, your husband will be unable to put up the tent, despite its “three easy guide poles.” He will stamp on his wizard’s hat in frustration. You will have to look after the children alone as he spends all afternoon putting up the tent. They will demand to go to the silent disco tent, where you will be forced to dance to Justin Bieber while sweating profusely into your parka-in-a-pack.

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You will not see a celebrity. They are all at Coachella. In a hotel.

When you finally return to your tent, your husband will be sitting proudly drinking a beer on his neoprene “front porch”. For some reason he is shirtless, further confirming your resolution for a comprehensive tent-based sex amnesty.

Your four-man tent will be too small for you and your children. You will lie awake all night on the damp, hard ground, feeling millipedes crawling into your leather bralet and fantasising about performing a Bobbitt on your husband with a tent peg.

Four days with your husband in a confined space

This is far from ideal. I have heard every story my husband has to tell. I have sniggered kindly at his repertoire of jokes. I do not need to whisper sweet nothings into his ear while we lie awake all night in the sodding tent.

Fire breaks out at Tomorrowland festival in Barcelona

I do not wish to stare into his eyes over a campfire while my children veer dangerously close to third-degree burns. I cannot congratulate him on his fire-making skills or thank him for lending me his fleece. I am trapped, in two fleeces, pretending I like craft cider and desperately trying not to poo for four whole days.

Four days with your children in a field

They will inevitably break into someone’s tent and experiment with their MDMA stash.

The music will be too loud

The music is always too loud. And there’s never anywhere to sit down. And I’m missing Bargain Hunt.

Take my advice. Stay at home. Wear your flower head garland, if you must, in the comfort of your own sitting room. Loop the double duvet over the kitchen table and pretend it’s a tent. Whack on some Billy Joel and party on.

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I went this year too, gotta say it was one of the best I can remember. Kate Tempest was like nothing i’ve seen, just mindblowing. Sleaford Mods were Sleaford Mods. Radiohead were the band I was most looking forward to but slighly underwhelmed. My nephew wanted to watch Stormzy, so we saw him. Loyle Carner i’m a fan of anyway but he was great.

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We were in the same crowd. I don’t know much of Sleaford Mods’ stuff, but I really liked their gig. Great atmosphere.

You should have stayed on for the Flaming Lips. That was a show.

I’ve just paid for my Glastonbury tickets.

Due to the kids getting older, the cost of glamping is getting annoyingly high.

I think that this year, we’re going to swerve the Pop Up Motel and (drum roll) brave general camping.

Their cheapest option, once we’d priced the kids in, was a bring your own tent £700 jobbie. I’ve always fancied doing general camping anyway - but the missus was a bit apprehensive.

And yet again daughter is getting in free

Only 4, 5 at a push acts that I would consider paying any sort of money to see, let alone super ripped-off rates for Glasto.

And in contrast to Mangobean, there’s a couple of dozen acts on that poster that I would be front-row for at Glasto. Having not been last year i’d decided that I was going to swerve this year but having seen that line-up i’m tempted to go back on my word…providing I can get a ticket that is.

Waiting for re-sale. There are also a few things I’d like to see now. But if not we wil head off somewhere hot and ignore it all.

Front row Mikey?

That’ll be 75 metres from the stage - and the queue for that section is already sleeping out in a field.

Also gotta try resale but with mate in the village can try to book the less popular coach package as well.

Failing that may just have to blag one. Certainly more names on that list I’ve heard of this year :wink:

I’m contemplating the prospect of general camping with an equal mixture of dread and excitement. Excitement, because I never realised how detached the whole campervan or glamping experience really was.

2014; 30-45 minute walk back up to campervan fields, up a large slippery hill. The walk in was a bastard too. One of the few benefits of being a smaller person is that you don’t fall over very often. Low centre of gravity. I fell on my arse three times going to see Metallica. A coat was chucked in the bin that night.

2016: Flatter walk, quicker to get to the festival gates, but miles away from anywhere you want to go. Also bollocks in its own way.

2017: Thinking Baileys. It’s a bit out of the way, but it’s on relatively flat ground, and it’s going to be nowhere near the walk we’re used to. Open to other suggestions. Where’s best, @supermikey and @krg_ ?

@pap having seen a lot of mud there, somewhere high up is probably best place to camp.

Up early tomorrow am to attempt to get re-sale tickets. I’ve managed it before but not hopeful.

If not we will book our Reading fest tickets (going anyway but at lease will have the money to pay) and also book a holiday.

Good luck to those (like us) trying to get tickets in the resale this morning.

3 Hopes methinks

No Hope

Bob Hope &

Envelope

But we try

Although this year I am torn, Mrs D_P is going on her own to a school reunion in Poland that weekend, on low cost airlines for virtually nothing, and while it would be fun to be “single” at Glasto, IF we don’t get tickets then the cost of that UK trip for me alone is equal to a week long vacation for both of us into S E Asia, back to Vietnam or maybe Cambodia would be luverly compensation.

And I am seeing my mate in Pilton on Monday week who’ll give me a ticket IF I grovel… Ho hum

Go get 'em Sotonians.

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Weeeeeeelll.

one of group got to enter all our details & payments and - boosh

Came up as sold out.

Back to Plan Z then Monday week

Fuck me!

Plan Z WORKED!

We are IN DA HOUSE!

BOOM!

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