Gboy is closing in on my league position and Euro cup place. I need to 20 points so have to get in there before a certain desert golfer nabs the badge. My story…
So I woke up and went to get the morning paper, as I walked down my driveway, I saw Tiger Woods sneaking out of the blonde’s house opposite and attempting to do a sly walk of shame back to the 19th hole.
I shouted ALRIGHT TIGER, YOU SLOT ONE IN OFF THE ROUGH LAST NIGHT??? for some reason he didn’t seem happy and was waving his arms. I could tell this either meant he wanted me to shut up of to join him for a drink. It was obviously the 2nd, so I joined Tiger and we both headed off to the 19th for a boozy brunch. LOL I thought, I only popped out to get a paper and look at me now.
As we walked in, I could see young Rory up to his usual tricks. He was playing that game he does where he pretends not to have seen me and tries to sneak out a side door. “ALRIGHT RORY YOU OLD REPROBATE?” “YOU STILL SMASHING WOZNIACKI WITH A ONE WOOD ON THE SLY?” Erica Stoll looked pissed but I could tell she thought it was hilarious deep down.
So me Tiger, Rory and sour chops Erika all headed to the bar for a drink. It was 11:30 and despite their protests, I knew it was shots O’clock! “3 SAMBUCAS RIGHT DOWN THE FAIRWAY I SHOUTED” as I made the gang knock their morning shots back. LOL I thought, I only popped out to get a paper and look at me now.
Just as we knocked back our 5th shot, I ordered a couple of magnums dom perignon and stuck it on Tiger’s account. He can afford it I though and think of the lols on his face when he notices. It will be double lols when his new squeeze finds out he’s been on the piss and pull again.
The bubbles were flowing when out of the corner of my eye I spotted Richard Ashcroft. He is such a laugh and greeted me in his usual ‘oh no not this guy again’ style. Lol I thought, I only popped out to get a paper and look at me know. “LET’S GET ON THE KARAOKE I SHOUTED” “DO THE ONE ABOUT THE DRUGS NOT WORKING AND YOUR DAD DYING RICHIE!” I could tell he thought it was hilarious.
“SISTERS ARE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES” I blasted out of the Karaoke. It was now 1pm and I could tell everyone was really getting into it. Erik had arrived by that point and was jokingly apologising to the gang about me. What a Joker! “It’s Tiger who should be saying sorry, I only popped out to get a paper saw the big cat sneak out of a blonde’s apartment” I sung in the style of Annie Lennox covering Aretha Franklin (both of whom are close personal friends btw). Tiger was loving this mix of song and conversation, especially as I sung it just as Elin Nordegren walked in. She didn’t stay long, just had a funny joke fight with Tiger and then walking out. Nevermind Tcat I said, me, Eric, Jude Law, Ashers and the rest are going to watch saints in the 2nd round of the league cup, you’re welcome to join us, who needs women eh?
I have promised to stay off these stories. I’ll just respond with
I invited Elin out on a tour of Dubai while she was just dating Tigger. She said yes & so we did a quick trip round town with her & Mark (that’s Mr Steinberg to you) & his squeeze.
I snogged Rory’s ex in front of 5,000+ spectators at the golf and have a signed photo from her that says “To Phil with love, thanks for last night.” (in Polish).
I got snogged by Rory on 28th September 2014. We danced quite a bit as well.
Rory sure as heck ain’t ever gonna smash no Carolina EVER again. No siree not noway no how no chance
Look, you’re the one who offered to buy the story, and for 4 pints of 6X I agree it was a very fair price, but you really need to sort out your technology, the pdf I sent you to cut & paste was in Android and you’ve gone and IOS’d it.
To win the badge you have to have accuracy. Jude Law doesn’t look at all like Hugh Grant and I simply don’t want to see you fail.
After all I’m trying to get my Celtic playing Celebrity Chef mate to sign up on here and how the hell can we attract that level of talent if your historical story is full of inaccuracies.
Think you should have stuck to pumping Roswell Saint for stories of Area 51 for the Space Alien Badge
