what the fuck do I buy a 70 yr old man who literally has everything?
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Antibiotics?
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Not entirely sure that this will have a welcome reception at the family party
A plane ticket somewhere nice
I don’t think what you spend is too important. What matters is to get something that holds real meaning. Try to think of something that relates specifically to him in some way, possibly to a particular time but preferably more wide-ranging than that. Something that lasts, and that he’ll treasure.
If, for example, the person in question is your father, you could find a photo of your family that he really likes and get a painting done from it - there are artists who’ll do that type of thing. That would be a present that’s both unique and memorable, and won’t fade away soon after the birthday celebrations are over.
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For my dad’s 60th we got him a metal sculptured bird feeder for the garden. Now we can buy different bits to put on it each year. Quite unusual item and lasts ages. He is also someone who pretty much has everything so really hard to buy for.
That’s because every time you go up into the loft you’re reminded of all those well meaning relatives. 
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@steveintheforest is probably right if he is now single just get him a woman for the night. Not only will it do him the power of good. You want have to clear it away when he does pass on (I know not really needed here)
Take him away for a weekend.
Bring him back.