Arsenal
Almost the perfect crest really. The large gun symbolises them quite nicely. Looks quite impressive, but is there just for show. Would probably be incapable of reaching the stands in Arsenal’s cursed, cavernous sound killer of a stadium, let alone a league trophy.
Bournemouth
Why take two bottles into the shower?
Burnley
Some say it reflects the time they found a Yorkshireman on the edge of town and imprisoned him in their most lavishly constructed building. Actually cobbled together since the 1980s using the various clip art of the time.
Chelsea
Lion with a lollipop about to lick its own arse.
Crystal Palace
More an expression of forlorn hope than the presence of actual, local eagles. The locals are big Lord of the Rings fans and are slighted by the London transport imbalance. This represents their wish for giant eagles to swoop them from the sky and get them to the south side of the river after midnight.
Everton
“Buy your drugs here”. Up the steps. Doorcode 1878. Sound.
Hull
We’re Tigers. We’re Tigers! Grr! We’re gr-rrre-at! (someone buy us - we’re tigers, FFS. Tigers!)
Leicester
A fox with an odd air of Kenneth Williams dressed as Lord Percy from Blackadder II.
Liverpool
One Liver bird short. Predictably.
Man City
Tall ship sitting on deep water, accurately depicting Oxford Road from January-December.
Man United
The Devil about to ram a trident through a tall ship. Presumably miffed about the Salford thing.
Middlesbrough
Not a lion, but a lifelife depicition of someone out on the piss in Middlesborough, trying to make his or her (who can tell?) way through the fog of drink and smog.
Southampton
The water. The Common. The Flower Estates. It’s all beautifully represented. We were robbed for first place.
Stoke City
Tesco Value Crest. May contain mechanically recovered colours.
Sunderland
9:30am outside the chemists. People waiting for methadone.
Swansea
Three leeches chowing down on the graceful neck of the swan that is the English Premier League. (Dammit, it’s a local league for local people! :D)
Tottenham Hotspur
Fierce cocks, standing proud, eventually falling the ball and clucking it all up. I put this just below Arsenal’s crest. It seems right.
Watford
Graphic designer goes on gap year to Canada, meets nice girl with a penchant for the outdoors. And peyote.
West Brom
With “our Tony Pulis”, even the local songbirds are crying out to get on the end of a long ball.
West Ham
Spartan. Huge open spaces between points of dubious interest.