The punchline is no longer online
I like that the video title makes it so clear that it contains [HUMOR]
One of my favourite sketches here:
Staying on the AP theme, here are some of his quotes. Well quite a few of his quotes⌠Enjoy.
On aesthetics:
âI donât like big feet. It reminds me of gammon.â
âDo you know what this bathroom says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. Itâs like being inside an enormous Foxâs Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus.â
âThereâs never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a ladyâs part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent.â
âTwo fat ladies, 88! Not that youâd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course⌠theyâre altogether a higher class of fat lady.â
âAll those people who go around saying âLife begins at forty,â theyâre notable by their absence. The nerve.â
âThe temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!â
âAll this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, donât you? Wine this, wine that. Letâs have a bit of red, letâs have a bit of white. Ooh, thatâs a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I donât know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint ofâŚmineral water.â
âThis chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, letâs take a lookâŚnot a trace! Peace of mind Iâm sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.â
âHi Susan. I was a bit bored so I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press. I canât put it back together again. Will that show up on my bill?â
âGuide dogs for the blind. Itâs cruel really, isnât it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them.â
âIf you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plow the family into the soil, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother.â
âYou make pigs smoke!â
âGot my fungal foot powder? Ah, itâs a lifesaver, you know. Iâd effectively be disabled if it werenât for these.â
âRight, dry skin cream. Iâm having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning my pillow looked like a flapjack.â
âDanâs a fantastic man! He really is. I was talking to him early and he asked me what kind of phone I had and I said a Motorola Timeport. And he said, âthatâs saaad, you want to upgradeâ. I said, so do you - to a new face. He nearly soiled himself! He said he was laughing so hard he had Kenco coming out of his nostrils, and that made me laugh. ButâŚmy nostrils were clear.â
âConvoy? Michael, youâre hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.â
âBucktoothed simpletons with eyebrows on their cheeks⌠horses running through council estates⌠men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings⌠badly tarmacced drives⌠in this country.â
âHello is that Curryâs? Iâd like to place an order for two supplementary, auxiliary speakers, to go with my Midi Hi-Fi system, apropos achieving surround sound. âAproposââŚitâs Latin. You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if youâre working in Curryâs.â
âJet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed. It must not, I repeat not, turn into an all-night rave.â
âSunday Bloody Sunday. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesnât it? You wake up in the morning, youâve got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, youâve got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you just think âSunday, bloody Sunday!ââ
âIâm gonna hump ya. Like Deputy Dog⌠would hump ya.â
âActually the best thing I did, was to get thrown out by my wife. Sheâs living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. Heâs an idiot.â
âWeâre down to the final lather. Just relax; thereâs a foamy bit on your shoulder - letâs make it even more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid. Donât you feel good? Careful not to fall asleep and slip under, thereâs some terrible statistics about that.â
"Quick tip for yourself: if youâre ever doing an after-dinner speech, you say âMy Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry Iâm late, I just popped to the toilet. And while I was there, I saw some graffiti and it said âI used to be indecisive, but now Iâm not so sure.â Straight away youâve got them by the jaffas.â
âWe managed to rectify it, though, because it now says, by adapting it, âCookâ where it once said âCockâ, and it says âPassâ now where it once said âPissâ, so itâs slightly less rude.â
âIn my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didnât make Adam and Steve.â
âGod is a gas⌠but not a small gas like Calor Gasâ
âI know lying is wrong, but if the elephant man came in now in a blouse with some make up on, and said âhow do I look?â Would you say, bearing in mind heâs depressed and has respiratory problems, would you say âgo and take that blusher off you mis-shapened elephant trannyâ? No. Youâd say âYou look nice⌠Johnââ
âBig Yellow Taxi there by Joni Mitchell, a song in which she complains that they âpaved paradise to put up a parking lotâ - a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise. Something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesnât quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song.â
Warning to our ursine friend: Look away now!
Brill. Back in the days where no-one gave a fuck about bears. Ultra-realistic too.
Yeah, like the green grease paint was realistic too
Stephen Fry has decided to leave Twitter.
This has come after he made a not particualrly nice joke about someone at the BAFTAs, and people criticised the joke. Interesting that, Stephen.
How many times has he left Twitter now?
To be fair to Stephen, he and the lady in question are friends, the comment was said as a jibe between friends.
Some of the comments about Mr Fry being a mysoginist and putting womenâs rights back by years were a bit OTT
Did he find them, offensive, BBB?