I've got this mate....the Sotonians confessional

Monkey Tennis
21

As they say, @stickywhitedovepiss , intimation is the least most insincerest form of fattery.

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22

I’ve got this mate that got on a coach to see Saints play away to Aston Villa with his mates, and when he saw the motorway sign saying “Birmingham 30 miles”, said “Birmingham? I thought Villa were a London Club”.

He then suffered months of “London sayings” being repeated in a Brummy accent.

“Up the apples and pears”

“Pie and mash and jellied eels”

“Lor’ love a duck”

etc.

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23

I’ve got this mate who had a fetish for wearing mink gloves whilst handling plastic bags of warm liver.

24

I’ve got this mate who, when asked how his 14 year old daughter was, described her as “well fuckable”.

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25

I’d say it is significantly larger than before

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26

I used to have this mate who was not too smart (probably is still not too smart) and from London. He went to uni in Southampton as his mate was going to Uni in Northampton and they wanted to be near to each other. The genuinely only worked it out when they arranged to meet at McDonald’s and then got annoyed as the other one didn’t show up. They were shouting at each other on their mobiles “I AM AT MCDONALD’S” “NO YOU FUCKING AREN’T, CAUSE I AM AT MCDONALD’S AND YOU AIN’T HERE BRUV” “DON’T FUCKIN’ LIE TO ME CUZ”.

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27

I can’t understand people like that. Obviously the one in Northampton gets a taxi to McDonalds Southampton…short taxi ride and he’s there…dimwit. :lou_facepalm_2:

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28

I’ve got a mate that ate two worms for a cigarette.

He had to chew the second one.

29

Smoking stunts your growth - apparently.

:lou_wink_2:

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30

I didn’t realise you were mates with Donald Trump.

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31

Meh. Think I started when I was 24. All growth spurts were done.

32

I’ve got a mate that used to get fined by his parents, instead of the usual council estate trick of cuffing them up.

Among other offences, he was charged for “smoking on the roof” and “eating chocolate in the bath”.

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33

hmm i find that Unlikely. Who would even attempt it? Think of the Melting!

Sounds like “he” offered that up as a Cover Story following unexpected bowel movement.

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34

I note that this post has got a couple of downvotes.

Apologies if that content offended anyone. True story - he’s a very weird ex-boss of mine.

For the record, and not justifying his words, but I didn’t read anything sinister into his comments. I felt it was just a very clumsy way of saying she was becoming a woman.

I wouldn’t have tried to use it as the basis of humour if I’d seen anything else in his comment.

Happy to remove it if people feel it shouldn’t be here.

35

I’ve got a mate that got a detention from science for “flying through the air while eating a cheeseburger”.

That’s what his detention note said, signed off by the science teacher. I never witnessed the event, personally.

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36

@stickywhitedovepiss can you confirm this please?

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37

I had a friend who sat at the back of an RE lesson and wanked while the lady teacher read passages from The Bible.

She was, I hasten to add, not the subject of his desire.

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38

And one seems to be from Philippine Saint! That’s how far you’ve gone.

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39

sry fats accident dvote

40

I might be back later to do some joke that links wanking at bible readings, to one of the books.

Probably Genesis as I can shoehorn in some gag about Phil Collins and perverts who like middle of the road music…leave it with me.

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