Thought all the presenters had deals with Nivea*
* Other male and female grooming products are available
Have we signed Vienetta yet 
Someone thought I was in my late 20s yesterday so my lack of regime has paid off. Simple soap and occasional moisturizer is all you need guys (and the youthful genes).
Yes yes the woman in question may need glasses but i am taking this compliment.
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The other day, a woman thought I was Roger WatersâŠheâs 73. 
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Someone swapped my body for that of some middle aged bloke.
Theyâve got my fit, slim, and youthfully handsome body.
Iâm reminded of this every morning I look in the mirror.
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Bonce - Head and shoulders 2in1, original flavour not fruity kind.
Face - tends to get washed by the shampoo that runs down my face, can dry my face out a bit but a bit of vaseline total moisture tends to sort that out and the missus likes the smell, softens up the beard too (my beard not the missusâ).
Teeth - manual toothbrush (medium to firm) with any toothpaste and any mouthwash, floss when I can be bothered.
Body - Any shower gel that is on offer in pound shops, tend to get a lot of âsourceâ stuff in there so go for that a lot, I too like my balls being all tingly. Boots used to stock some nice shower gel by a company called âfishâ, the blue one made me smell like a sexy coconut, it was pricey (about 6-7 quid for 400mls or summat) but when I could get a woman to come near me they all liked it. If I become single again I may revert to it if itâs still available.
Any deodorant in the pound shops, tend to get Right guard or nivea 48 hr stuff (though I still have to use it everyday, do they expect me not to wash for 2 days after Iâve sprayed it on??), any of it is better than the smell I make on my own so not too fussy. If iâm going somewhere fancy or making an effort for the missus I splash on a bit of Ralph Lauren Modern Reserve.
Balls and facial hair - Babyliss beard trimmer. I have toyed with the idea of getting waxed but my pubes tend to join up with my leg hairs so where do you stop? I think I would look ridiculous with a bald crotch and hairy legs.
Hands - Moisturised when I moisturise my face I assume? Nails clipped short at least once a week.
Feet - Once every couple of months Iâll give them a good soak and then scrub with one of those paddles with the sandpaper on it, nails clipped every couple of weeks (tend to grow slower than fingernails), I am proud of my feet, theyâre not too bad.
Ear and nose hair - Monitored daily with tweezers, I havenât given in yet but they will one day get the better of me.
All of the above (minus any hair trimmage and foot scrubbage) takes me about 20 minutes.
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TeethâŠdonât bother taking care of them. As you get older the enamel gets thinner and more translucent so the inner fabric of your teeth (which is darker) shows through. It gives your genuine well looked after teeth that slightly yellow colour.
Everyone I know who neglected their teeth in younger years have lovely pearly gnashersâŠtheir crowns look lovely. 
Are you sure they didnât mean Roger Moore? R.I.P.
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Deodoporn.
Much better than spraying on Nivea Haddock or Sure Mackerel.
Hope todayâs shirt goes down better than the DOPE one.
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I use a lot of LâOrĂ©al men âexpertâ stuff.
Hydrate energetic, ice cool face wash âwake up effectâ
face moisturiser
eye moiseriser
I find they work, especially when doing a lot of cycling as the skin really takes a beating from the eliments.
I am not sure if you need all 3 and that they have to be LâOrĂ©al, probably a bog standard moiseriser would do. If I do not use them, I do get really bad dark circles below my eyes and my skin does get really dry and tight.
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A real man will keep a cat just for milking and use this for moisterizing. Organic and free (save for plasters to cover scratches - well have you ever tried milking your pussy?)
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Is that what Lynx actually is? Milk from lynxes exposed to various different environments (one in Africa, one in Java, one in Sport Blast (wherever that is))?
I still think itâs for adolescents, but it certainly makes it a bit weirder that kids are spraying themselves with the milk of a wildcat.
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Iâm a right ugly cunt, so any poncey beauty regime is wasted on me as you canât polish a turd. However, i still have my own barnet, despite knocking on 50 and itâs still mostly dark too. The boat race is looking a bit worn out now and although i have all my own teeth, some escapades from my youth have resulted in some reconstruction and stuff, so theyâre not the best. The fags and coffee have done for their colour too. Some warts have appeared, but they do add a certain interest, i feel. I do put on âgay sprayâ (not my words) and aftershave to hide the fetid aroma a reasonably sustantial walk will generate and do change my kacks every day too.
But i can still bring the wife off twice a night, so all is good.
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So sheâs obviously not looking in your direction when it happens. 
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Works both ways, mate.
I wasnât a bad looking mush when i was a nipper and got a reasonable amount of action, but time hasnât been kind and my days of chasing skirt are long gone. Itâs a young mans (or bears) game now. But itâs a two way street. Whilst i did overluy bother with my appearance when i was out on the toot and met some fragrant lovelies, there were some right mingers too.
The worst was in Bristol, when i was at Poly. A group of us went out and got chatting to a group of girls. Two were top drawer clacker and the third a real biffer. My mate and I were giving it all the charm to the two crackers and a few days later he said heâd had a call from one and she wanted a double date. He asked me, so i went along, but the trouble was it wasnât the two stunnas, but one stunna and the biffer, which i was stuck with. No amount of beer goggles would make her any better. She was a nasty looking boiler from Pontypridd. A long story, but we alll went back to their house. My mate and the stunna fuck off to her room leaving Biffer and me watching TV. She finished munching on her crisps, turns off the TV and says in a sultry, seductive way âSo, yer gonna fuck us then, or wot?â âSâpose soâ I say - any holeâs a goal and all that and i needed somewhere warm to park it for the night.
So into her room and i start to take off my kit, shoes and socks come off and i feel this sharp pain in my foot. I look down and realise iâve stepped on a fork and a plate with cold beans on - the pikey bird had just left it by her bed - which causes me to lurch forward and kick something with my other foot which is heavy and hard and gives me more pain. It was her oversize stein beer glass, half full of cold tea and fag ends, right next to her bed. She looks at the mess this has made, looks at me and says âYou CUNT! thatâs my fucking ashy, that is! You gonna fucking clean that up?â âBollocks, you pikey bintâ I said as i left to kip on the sofa. If she kept a collection of cold beans and a three week old ashtray by her bed, think what her growler would have been like. 
Probably a lucky escape.
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and they say romance is dead
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